What am I Googling For?

Google is a crazy little thing isn't it?  You can google this, you can google that.  I have googled and googled for years!  I love google.  I have learned many things from google, like spoilers for the Bachelorette, when the first day of Fall is, sports schedules, recipes and the list goes on and on, forever and ever, amen.  Sometimes though, I treat google like a magic crystal ball, hoping to tell me what I want to hear and hoping it will change my circumstances for me.  How silly.

I have googled everything about infertility and treatments one could possibly google.  I have read the same articles over and over again looking for something I may have "missed".  I have googled all types of success rates related to infertility treatments and success rates for pregnancy after a miscarriage.

What am I googling for?  I feel so desperate for answers that nobody can give me.  Nobody can answer why we do not have a child.  Not even google and all of its magic. 

I am starting to feel like google is laughing at me every time I search for something baby related. 

Google = search.  Lord knows I am searching.  I google infertility when I am not satisfied with an answer and want to know more.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if google could help a girl out here!  I am searching for a baby, sadly, google can't help me with this one.

I google when I am at my lowest and feel the need to search for answers.  I am pretty sad today because it really sunk it what the doctor told me.  In essence she told me that my body clock does not harbor an environment for me to create and sustain a baby on my own.  Big concept to swallow.

I feel like I my body is failing me, my husband and my marriage.  Wade and I have always talked about 3-4 kiddos.  The clock is ticking, and now this bomb is dropped?  I had a sporadic pregnancy that was a miracle in and of itself and the chances are slim to none that will ever happen again (like that); and that baby died because....my body failed me with a blood clot that starved the baby.

It is not fair, it hurts.  It.is.not.fair.

Google - why can't you rescue me?  Why can't you be my magic ball to show me when I will be pregnant again, if ever? Goooooogle....today, I will misdirect my emotions and be mad at you for not giving me the search results I need.