Last (wo)Man Standing

Do you ever feel like the last wo/man standing? I have been feeling a lot like that lately as my ratio of a happy ending after "the two week wait" is now up to 1/65. This means 32 months, 117ish weeks and 960ish days of my life in the past 5 and a half years have been spent hoping and praying and thinking every twinge "could be it", leading to the inevitable crushing blow that I am hollow inside.

This is absolutely, undeniably, emotionally exhausting. It is so easy from the outsider to say to me a variety of passive comments such as "just don't worry about it, and it will happen" or "just give it time" or "it just isn't God's time for you" (which I would love to retort back "what if it is never his time for us?" and this does happen to some). Let me tell you, it is next to impossible to not worry about something of this magnitude, especially when we are surrounded by it because of our ages. I get the not nice passing thought of "hey... wait a minute, they have already had their turn" feelings when families we know have baby two and some are now on baby THREE!! It is like a bomb being dropped every time I hear another pregnancy announcement (five just last week).

I used to feel some sort of consolation for mothers who lost one or more in miscarriage, who are now pregnant with a healthy child, but now I don't. All I can think is "this isn't fair. When is it going to be my turn"? I don't like having these thoughts and feelings, but I am just weary! I don't think this makes me less of a friend or person because I love each and every one of my friends and their tiny babies. It just makes me human. Part of me is happy for them, and the other part is very sad for me. I promise you, if you asked any other woman going through what I am, she will be able to relate to everything I am saying.  I feel like a kid waiting in the line to ride the carasouel at Disney World, all to have all the kids behind me cut in line, and the operator tell me to stand where I am because it is not my turn, as I watch the carasouel go round and round with laughing people while I stand on the outside watching and wishing.

How can you not worry about something when you have wanted this your whole life? How can you not worry about this when this was a goal for you and your husband - to have a family and to stay at home and raise them? I am a little perturbed at my doctor for even telling me that she thought we would be pregnant in no time after the miscarriage and that she didn't think we would have to go to procedures. Here I am on my last month of clomid...next step....procedures.

I can't help but feel like I am disappointing Wade and taking one of his life dreams away from him even though he tells me this isn't the case and that he married me for me, not on the basis of whether I could or could not bear children.

I feel like the last woman standing in a sea of mothers and children. I fear that the more time that goes by the less and less I will have in common with my friends because we will not have the shared experience of being a parent to children on this earth. I fear getting old and not having anyone to take care of me and Wade. I fear being "that couple" who never has kids. I fear never knowing what it is like to be loved and adored by a mother's child. The odds are in our (not nice) favor more and more as more friends have babies.

Seriously.  I feel like the last woman standing.  I hope and pray that none of my fears will come true and that this is a season (a very, very, long one) that we have to move through for some reason.  I pray to God every day and every night that he bless us with a healthy pregnancy and baby(ies), but I would be lying if I didn't say that I am scared, worried and sad that may not be in the plans for us.  I am so weary, Lord.  Please hear our prayer.