The one and only thing I have not been able to do for the past five and a half years is go to a baby shower. I don't know what it is, but I just cannot go. If I am honest with myself, part of it is jealousy and a bad case of "why them and not me", which then sets off a chain of other thoughts "will it ever be me? Why hasn't it been me? Why isn't it me? What is wrong with me that it isn't me? What if it is never me!?!" Then the fear sets in of "what if I loose it? What if I can't hold back and big crocodile tears come streaming down my face? Then it will look like I am making this all about me, when it isn't about me, and I don't want it to be about me..." leading to a whole uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.
A year or so ago, Wade and I went to a birthday party for a one year old. It was by far one of the hardest things. It was all I could do to keep the tears in my eyeballs as the family around us sang happy birthday to this little one. I just can't do it. I can't do baby showers.
And so the complexity begins. I have been at my job for 6 weeks now, and it has been wonderful. I go to work, do my job, then come home. It is a wonderful thing to leave work at work. My stress level has come way down, and I know beyond a shadow, this was the right choice for our family. They are a great "professional family" at work. There is a lady in my department who is pregnant and her baby is due in March. The organization is hosting a company wide baby shower for her next Friday. The invitation e-mail has gone up, and the invitations have been posted all over the hospital. My throat feels like it is closing up every time I see something related to it. A million thoughts runs through my head. What do I do? The shower is during work hours. Nobody at works knows my fertility issues, and I plan to keep it that way. So do I go and risk the crocodile tears, or do I not go and be the only person in my department who is not there? The shower is next Friday.... I don't know what I will do.....
Save work for that day so you can have things to do and just drop in. Let them know that you don't give baby gifts before babies are born. I have a friend who will go to showers, but not give gifts before a baby is born because she had a friend who lost a baby and she had to help that friend pack up gifts. They don't need to know why you don't give gifts before a baby is born, just that its a personal choice and when you're ready to share the "why" you can. I wouldn't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
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