This past Sunday was All Saints Day, and I am so glad Wade and I already had plans to go out of town before we had thought about it. In our church, All Saints Day is a day where we celebrate the lives of those who have gone on to heaven in the last year, who are related to members of our church.
I feel fairly safe in saying "Andrew Kay" was not one of the names that was read in church on Sunday. This brings about a variety of emotions for this one here. At what point would our baby have "made the list". Obviously 10 weeks, 1/4 of the way through pregnancy was not enough. Is it 20 weeks? 30 weeks? A still born? A live birth and then death? When is life considered to be life? Little baby Andrew Kay had:
- a heartbeat
- legs
- arms
- a nervous system
- a brain.
Realistically speaking, we would have probably declined that our baby's name be read in church because it would probably come off strange and cause confusion/questions. It really isn't even about that. We know where our baby is regardless if the name is read in a church service. Having his name called or not called will not change his forever home in heaven. It would have been nice, though, for someone to remember, validate the life, and ask us would we like the name included.
Once again - forgotten loss.
My medication is also not working, so my dose has been doubled. I feel defective. I feel like my dream of motherhood on earth is everyday becoming further and further from my grasp and I do have to ask "why".
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless. Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
-Isaiah 40:28-31
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