Charlie's Tree

"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel." - Charlie Brown

There are some Christmas loving people in my office, and I am generally one of them.  A couple of folks have already started to play Christmas music in their office.  Yes - we are Christmas freaks here.  We love the spirit and the meaning.

Yesterday I came back in my office and clicked on a saved Christmas station on my Pandora.  Jessica Simpson came on first, singing, "All I want for Christmas is You".  About halfway through the song, my stomach was in knots, and I had a huge lump in my throat.  It looks like this Christmas season is going to be a little tougher than others.  I thought it would be.

This month marks a year since I was pregnant.  December 22nd marks the anniversary of when we found out our baby died.  December 23rd marks the anniversary of when my baby was removed from me.  December 24th is the day we celebrate the waiting for our King.  December 25th marks His birthday.

Going through my "year of firsts" is something I will be glad to have behind me.  The anticipation is generally far worse than the actual event.  I don't know what to expect this season, and that makes me nervous.  When I heard Jessica Simpson singing all I could think about is how all I want(ed) for Christmas was my child.  I had to turn it off.

I do feel like Charlie Brown in his Christmas story, and it is only October.  I have a feeling the days are going to get harder and harder as Christmas draws near.  I am going to try to keep my head up also not ignore how I am feeling and what I am going through.  Christmas is about family, and our baby is a part of our family.

Charlie Brown, with a little bit of love from his friends was able to bounce back into the Christmas spirit and find the true meaning of the season.  He even learned to love his shabby little tree.

I know I am going to need a little extra love this Christmas Season to get me through.  There is good in everything - just like Charlie's Tree - it is all in your perspective.

"I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love" -Linus