I feel like I am starting to be on the "upswing" of baby loss. I have worked through a lot emotionally since July when I really started to fall hard to hitting rock bottom. I have been praying hard lately and trying to be "ok" with our story and what I cannot predict will or will not happen in our future.
I mentioned a week or so ago about Christmas music. Ohhhh how I was dreading the season. The day after I wrote that post, I had choir practice at church. Guess what we started working on? Christmas music. Not only THAT, but I was asked to do something special for Christmas...
Rewind: Last year, I was asked to sing "O Holy Night" during the Christmas Eve service. I was giddy at the honor. This is something I have waited my whoooollllle life to do.... all 29 years :). I practiced, and I practiced hard. I could not WAIT. The baby's health took a turn for the worse, and on 12/23, the day before Christmas Eve, I had my D&C. Trauma to me physically and emotionally. I was put completely under. The tubing down my throat bruised my vocal cords, and I could barely talk. I lost a decent amount of blood leaving my color as white as a ghost, as well as feeling very, very weak and tired.
I didn't know how I was going to sing. Physically, I was so weak and my vocal chords hurt. Emotionally, I was beat up and torn down. The choir director was so kind and said she understood. She was heartbroken at our loss. She told me if I couldn't sing it, that was ok, and that people would have to get over not hearing "O Holy Night", because it wasn't the end of the world.
But how can you NOT have "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until Christmas Eve afternoon that I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and sing. Our pastor reminded us that Christmas is for the brokenhearted, and I felt like I was first in line. I stepped outside of "Erin" and reminded myself what Christmas is about. It is about the Savior of the world coming to save you and me from our sin. To take our hurts away. To hold us in the palm of his hand. I don't know how, but I did it. Some people in the congregation knew what was going on with me, some did not. I don't know where my strength came from (wait a minute, yes I do...), but I did it. I prayed before I sang for God to help me to do the best I could do given the circumstances, and to help the congregation hear HIS message through my voice.
It worked. I did the best I could, fighting back tears. As I looked into the congregation, I believe the message was heard. Lots of sniffs, tissues and tears. I felt God saying "well done my good and faithful servant". This is up there with one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I Love "O Holy Night". It is probably my favorite Christmas tune - that and "Silent Night". Since that night, I have put it on the back shelf in my mind trying to forget, and not deal with the awesome power and meaning of that song and what I wanted that moment to meant to me.
In choir a couple of weeks ago, after my Christmas music incident at work, the new choir director pulled me aside. He was actually the one who played the organ for me last Christmas when I sang. He said, he wanted to ask me if I wanted to sing "O Holy Night" again this year at our Christmas Eve Service. I paused. I wasn't sure what to say. I felt water in my eyes brimming up. He said, he knows last year was difficult given the circumstances, and he wanted to be sensitive to that (wait - someone acknowledged my baby's life & loss - more tears brimming). So I face a fear, a dilemma. I said thank you - let me think about it and sat down.
Rehearsal began. We ran through several pieces for October and November, and then came the dreaded December music. Forced to face my fear. God knows what he is doing. Two pieces struck me. One is the words to "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" to the tune of "Though I May Speak" which is a hymn that was sung at our wedding. The other Christmas piece we sang was wonderful. It has one of my favorite hymns intertwined. It is a mix of "Silent Night" and "It Is Well With My Soul". Wow is all I can say.
So I sit, brokenhearted, and God uses that moment to use what I was fearing the most to touch me and to say "I've got you. Trust me. Use your story. Use the gift I gave to you to share my message." Alright, alright, I got the message.
Our choir director took a break in rehearsal to talk about how he got to thinking about peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter by itself is sticky and hard to swallow. Jelly on the other hand, by itself, is gooey, and too sweet to eat alone. Together, though, PB&J is a wonderful combination! You need the protein from the PB to balance the sweetness of the jelly. He compared this to singing music with and without faith. When we sing with conviction of our words, the faith and the music come together for a beautiful combination that the listener can pick up on and really hear the WORD!
After that night, I really got to thinking and processing. I feel like I am on the upswing. I know I will be sad sometimes, especially this Christmas, but for the first time, I really feel like I am able to move forward and not feel stuck in my grief. Praise the Lord! Silent Night, O Holy Night, and at the end of the day... IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! What would I do with out music?
So I am going to sing "O Holy Night" this Christmas Eve. I cannot promise it won't be without some emotion, but I can promise, it will be like peanut butter and jelly - the music the composer wrote with my faith intertwined.
Silly: Wade and I are kind of like PB&J. I am the sticky harsh PB and he is the sweet smooth jelly, but together, we make a dynamic duo :).
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